I am realising more and more that my ego is not actually useful to me, nor something I wish to further propagate. By serving ones own personal interests the ego neglects that of others and higher callings. It also craves permanence and thus produces suffering.
However, don't get me wrong. I am not looking to disinter grate my personality. Only that I wish it was working within the context of selflessness. Perhaps a contradiction of terms, but it is not intended as such. I do not necessarily see personality and ego as one (Then perhaps it is just my ego grasping at my conception of self).
The personality is simply the ways the individual manifests in the world. This is neither permanent nor fixed to the individual, it is constantly changing, but because we all develop under slightly different circumstances (both environmental and genetic) there is a uniqueness and a diversity of personalty types that should be celebrated. To live selflessly is not to forget or loose this.
Conversely, ego is the individuals selfishness, its craving for permanence and its false conception of its isolation. The individual is not one, the collective is one. The layers of self are too complex to say that this body is me but not that, because we are, for example in this case, defining our self in relation to what we are not.
Knowing that I seek to conquer my ego, as no longer of use to me, the question that I must now answer is how do I go about becoming more selfless. Surely, this articulation alone is part of that process, but where to from here. I guess there are many avenues I can explore. Obviously sacred sexuality is one (perhaps the one activity in which most people experience selflessness, and yet sex is often driven by the cravings of the ego). Meditation is another. Something I have been wanting to take up for sometime, but after academically studying transpersonal psychology and tantra, came to realise that these practices are not to be taken lightly. Guidance is required. Unfortunately as a student this is currently beyond my means. I have also considered living in a temple for a time but changed my mind when I realised that one must refrain from erotic behavior. I am not yet strong enough to put my sexuality on hold. Celibacy would likely drive me insane within days.
I guess I need to explore the topic more. Devote my actions to this goal, being conscious of how, or how not, my actions are conducive to achieving selflessness. Awareness is perhaps the most effective tool for change. All other actions must flow from this awareness, with the awareness itself creating internal changes paving the way for the more difficult tasks ahead.
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